God how I wish things just made sense. I wish life events just stop hitting so hard. Sometimes I truly want to stop my life and ask God, “Where do I get the bus that takes me out of here. Please, I have had enough now!”
So to all the people who feel grand inadequacy, lonelyness and confusion……. I am with you! I am willing to bet there are many of us out there.
To all the people who find it hard to put words or comprehensive thoughts to the feelings behind the inadequacy, I understand I struggle with this daily and have for quite some time. Life is fluid, always changing and at times hard to keep up with.
I have found that during each current struggle with prayer, reflection and purging of words onto paper some amount of understanding or clarity begins to show. In some respects there may never be the “right” answer but if we examine the feelings behind the issues we can, at the very least, find some sort of empathy toward the opposing view.
When I was in my thirties I quit my full-time job to be with my mother, who had just found out she would most likely have only 6 more months to live. Although measured time is very treasured and I am forever grateful for every additional moment I was able to spend with her, at the time I was very upset with the doctor for telling my mother her time was so limited. It weighed heavy on her mind and the sadness was devestating.
After my mom had died and life began to get back to normal I met someone in my workplace who I immediately seemed to have a dislike for. This bothered me to a level that I was constantly trying to understand why I felt that way toward them. I eventually realized that it was the fact that they were always full of complaints, stories and frustrations about their mother. As a person who had recently watched her mother go from looking like a healthy 57 year old to looking like she was twice that age before dying just 6 months later this was hard to hear.
When I examined those feeling even deeper I realized that the emotion that was causing this dislike toward that person was one of Jealousy. I was jealous of this person because she had a mother and I disliked her because she was not appreciative of the fact that her mother was alive.
Putting words to feelings eventually helps with healing, although Life is messy and our scars and devastations will always be a part of who we are. Emotional experiences can build the foundation of empathetic characteristics. I know my past experiences help me have Patience and Love for others who are also struggling and acting a bit irrational during the most difficult and unfair events that unfold in life.
Do I wish life would be easier? Absolutely.
Do I wish all the hurt would end? Of course.
Will I always resist deep heart pain and loss like a toddler kicking and screaming no I can’t go there again? Most certainly.
Will I always want to prevent or improve painful moments for others? Yep, because empathetic hearts hurt for other people as well as themselves.
The one thing I know for sure is I totally appreciate my parents and their quirky manner of guiding us through life! As youngsters if we were complaining about another person, instead of a lecture or explanation a simple comment like “Well, I guess one can’t be jealous without showing it.” would be enough said……… Leaving people to figure it out for themselves might be the answer. Along with prayer for an unstoppable longing to figure out what the “next right thing to do is”
With Respect, Hope, Joy and Love, Carmela
Carmela Snelbaker 